Living In Spite Of Fear

It's been so long since I've blogged, I don't even know where to start.  I revisited this blog several weeks ago, to get some information I needed.  It was the first time I had logged on in years.  Yes, years.  I went back and read one post, had a good cry and laugh over it, and it made me think I want to start this up again.  Like I said, that was several weeks ago, so we'll see.  I may be writing to myself at this point, and that is okay.

There are a lot of things that have come up in my life, since my husband's death.  Some of them would be obvious to most, but others probably only obvious  to those who have walked in my shoes. One of these things has been fear. Anxiety, really.  I am realizing that I have had some form of anxiety or another for most of my life, but it's become more apparent to me.  Maybe it's more severe or that I realize that if it's debilitating for me, it's no longer just me that it affects.  It affects my son too.  Anxiety alone could be it's own post, but that is not in itself what I wanted to write about.
I live with fear almost daily.  I pray that God would take it from me.  In the mean time, I am doing my best to do the things I'm afraid of in spite of my fear.

Recently, my son and I went tubing on the Comal River.  The shortest river in the world. Really.  I was concerned about my son, because even though he can swim, he's not a strong swimmer.  This river is a more kid friendly river.  On the shallower side.  Even so I made sure to pack a life jacket for him, got him a tube with a bottom so he wouldn't fall through, and told him to hold onto his handles.  Even though I'm an even weaker swimmer, I wasn't too concerned about myself.  From what I read before hand, it didn't seem like the river would be very deep and from my one past experience floating the Guadalupe River, which is longer, I figured I'd be fine.

I was wrong.  To start with, I don't own a life jacket for myself and I forgot to ask for one when we rented our tubes.  Trust me, this was not about pride.  That went out the window a long time ago.  Shortly after you get into the river, you go through a "category 4" chute... whatever that means.  Well, part of that means that you have to let go of whomever you are with.  So I had to let go of my son's tube.  He did great going through the chute though!  I kept my eye on him and he had a big smile as he was pushed by gushing water, through the chute!  I was in front of him and the current pushed me down river, while it pushed him to the side and up against the wall.  I kept looking back to see if he would start floating my way, but his tube didn't move.  By the way, my son is 8.  He's my only child.  It's just me and him.  We are a team.  He's my everything.  So a partial panic set in and I hopped out of my tube.  I don't remember it being extremely difficult to get over to the side, but I did and was able to get over to some stairs, where I intended to climb up and walk back over to him.  There were a few people blocking my way and they would not move.  Since he wasn't moving either, I didn't feel the need to rush.  After a few minutes, my sister-in-law came through the chute, saw my son and got a hold of his tube and got him off the wall and into the current down river.

Once I saw that, I waited  a little bit and then got back into my tube, trying to time it the best I could.  I was still in front of them though.  As I floated, I had no idea who in our party was in front of me and who was behind me.  I saw my niece off to the side and some other people.  Thinking most of our group must have been with her, it seemed like a good spot for everyone to regroup.  I looked down and the water was clear and it was shallow.  Perfect!  I jumped out of my tube and as soon as I did, the river bottom dropped.  I couldn't see anything.  Even though I had water shoes on, the rocks were slippery and I could not get a footing.  Every time I tried to jump up, the rocks would shift and I would slip.  Like my son, I also had a tube with a bottom.  Each time I grabbed the handles and tried to pull myself up, not only would my feet slip, but the tube would flip over and the bottom would hit me on the head and push me back under the water.  I don't know how long this went on.  Probably not long, but it felt like a long time to me.  In reality, I don't  know how close I came to drowning, but I was in panic mode.  I wasn't getting anywhere.  I knew I needed help, but I also didn't want to be dramatic (it's important to not be dramatic when you're in an emergency, you know), and I let out the wimpiest "help," you can imagine... wait, is that pride??

I made eye contact with my sister-in-law, who is a strong swimmer.  She managed to get to me, and so did Jesus and his legion of angels- I'm convinced.  She was able to get me over to the side of the river where my brother was.  Once I got out of the water, I could hear myself breathing rapidly, unlike I'd ever breathed before.  That is not the end of our day at the river, but that is the part that stuck with me the rest of the day and it still does.

It made me realize how quickly I could have drowned.  How quickly my biggest fear since losing my husband, could have come true- that I would die and my son would be without the both of us.  It became apparent to me that I needed to make it a priority to really learn how to swim.  To get over the fear of putting my  head underwater and swim!  Not float on my back or doggy paddle for a few seconds, but actually swim.  So this past week, while my son worked on his swimming with my sister-in-law's mom, I got in the pool too and swam.  I swam with and without flippers.  I swam a few feet and then a few more, all in the shallow part.  Still in the safety of the shallow end, I practiced swimming and then turning over to float on my back.  Then when I got brave enough, I swam to the deep end.  Not once or twice, but several times.  It felt great!  I am proud of myself for pushing past this fear that I've held onto for most of my life.  One more fear that God has walked with me and helped me to face and I can't wait to do it again!  Side note... I am so thankful for my sister-in-law.  I know she didn't even have to think about her actions, but that day could have been very different without her.

Through It All, I Still Trust Him

On April 4, 2012, it will be one year since my son and I received the worst news of our lives. This is a blog I have dreaded. I've opened this blog only a couple of times in the past year and contemplated what to do with it. The thought of writing about our loss makes my stomach churn. I'd rather scratch the blog and start over- as if nothing has happened. But that's the furthest thing from the truth. In a very short time, I will be facing the day I have dreaded this entire past year. The one year anniversary of my husband's passing. How could it be that we would have to live through the absolute hardest thing I could've ever imagined? How could it be that we've had to journey to hell and back? How could it possibly be that this is... forever? Forever in this lifetime, anyway.

There are way too many deeply personal emotions that are tied up in this, and for that reason, I will not go into much about this past year. Not right now anyway. Maybe one day I'll change my mind, but for now, the pain is way too deep and personal.

In time, I hope to be back and share what is going on with our lives now. Can I just say, I hate the phrases, "starting a new chapter," "moving forward," "moving on." yuck. just yuck. Maybe one day those phrases won't be so painful to me.

In the meantime, I am taking life one day at a time... or trying to anyway. Trusting that the Lord will lead me to be the mother that my son needs me to be. That He would continue to be our provider, comforter, counselor, and healer.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

'Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus

I guess the Baptist girl in me has been coming out these days, because right before and right after Wes' deployment, the old hymn 'Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus has played in my head from time to time. I've had more peace about this deployment (and yes, it's official, he left earlier this week) than I did during any part of his first. I'm not saying I haven't been anxious at all, but knowing that God is in control and reflecting on all the ways He's shown himself to love and care for us, it brings me right back to a place of peace. So, if you're not familiar with the song or it's been a while since you last sang it, indulge me in these few lines...

'Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus,

Just to take Him at His word;

Just to rest upon His promise,

And to know, "Thus saith the Lord!"

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I've proved him o'er and o'er;

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

I'm so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, savior, friend;

And to know that Thou art with me,

Wilt be with me to the end.

I did skip some lines, but these are the ones that I've been singing to myself recently. Your continued prayers for his safety and for me as a wife and mommy are much appreciated. He's made it to Kuwait and last I heard this morning, was possibly flying to where he'll be for this year. I think Gregory understands more than I realized, but not enough to fully understand what's going on. He's had mostly bad days this week and I wonder if he thinks it's my fault? I need wisdom, endless patience, and compassion for my little one.

I hope to upload more recent pictures this week. Including pictures from Gregory's little birthday party that I had for him yesterday. Besides that, I'll either be in Texas or very close to it by this time next week! ;)

Here We Go Again... Update

So, my hubby was supposed to have deployed by now. Like two weeks ago. Between miscommunication and who knows what else, he and a handful of other soldiers did not leave with the rest of his unit. It's taken about this long to get a definite day and approximate time for when the rest of them will deploy. It's soon and I'm sure I'll be posting something once it's official. I just wanted to update what was going on since it was supposed to have happened already.

Thank you to all of those who have been praying for us. I can't tell you how big of a difference it has made. I have had so much more peace this go 'round than I did the first time he deployed. So much so, that sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me at times. I'd appreciate your continued prayers. It looks like when he does leave, it will be at O'dark thirty. The drive there and back is very dark and only lined with pine trees. Although, by the time I'm heading back home the sun might be coming up. Okay, I think I'm rambling at this point.

Good night!

Here We Go Again...

Seems like I haven't posted much of anything lately, and certainly not anything of real substance. I don't even know if this will be that meaty, but it's our life now... Here we are, counting down to another deployment- our second. So thankful that it's only our second. No dates of when on this blog, this is much to public for that. But it's close enough that we're watching the calendar, planning, buying stuff for us and for Wes, and it's all starting to sink in. I hate this feeling. We've known for over a year now that it would happen, but that hasn't seemed to help us to prepare emotionally. We've done this before, I know we can do it again. What I'm most not looking forward to is having a little boy to explain all this much-too-grown-up-stuff to.

So, as we're anticipating this deployment, I'm also planning for Gregory's birthday party. Going to have it early, because we'll be heading home for about 3 months over the holidays. Being with family for G's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and my niece's birth... those are the thoughts that bring me joy right now. Please keep us in your prayers. We are so grateful that Wes' job is relatively safe. And although we do appreciate prayers for his safety, please also pray for our strength to get through this. For me to be a strong mommy. I know it's okay to cry in front of your children, but I'm a crier... really... like, big baby at times. I wonder if I'll be able to hold it together when we have to say our good-byes. Will I be able to pull myself together to make the drive home? And then will I have the energy to fix Gregory a single healthy meal that day or the following days? Ugh. I hate thinking about all of this...

Roses for Grandma

My grandma's birthday is coming up and my mom asked me to make some roses for her cake. Unfortunately, we live so far away and aren't planning to be in town any time soon... so roses by mail is the best I can do. These are two-toned yellow and fuschia gumpaste roses. I'm praying they make the trip and don't "wilt" in the humidity. That would be a shame. I can't wait to see what they look like on her cake and more importantly, I hope she enjoys them. ♥

Gumpaste Plumeria Cake

These were my first gumpaste flowers to make and my first plumerias too. I think they turned out decently. My favorite ones actually didn't make it on the cake, because for some reason, they were bigger than these and looked odd along with these smaller ones. Those were just white with a yellow center. I made this cake for a surprise party for two of our friends here at Ft. Stewart. Lemon cake with a lemon buttercream filling and buttercream icing. Yum!!! :)