Because I Need To Get Them Out Of My Head...

There are a couple of things I've been thinking about lately, neither have anything to do with each other, just thoughts that I want to get out...

Yesterday, while walking through the Wal-Mart parking lot, I locked eyes with a lady walking towards the store as I was leaving. I smiled and said, "hi," and while she did the same, I got the feeling that she was about to say something else to me. I turned to look at her and she said, "Ma'am, do you happen to have any money that you can give me for gas to get to work?" I have to admit it, I lied. I only had two dollars, but it was two dollars, which is something when you have nothing. I instantly felt horrible and when I got to my car, I confessed to my friend that was waiting for me. This is actually the third time this has happened to me in about a two years. Two of those times were back at Fort Hood.

The reason I think it's bothering me is because I need to know why I'm either willing to give money or not. I used to be so willing (either because I was gullible or just had a more giving heart) to give money to any cause or person without question. Now, I question everything. Out of the three people that asked me for money, I only gave to one. It wasn't even because I wanted to meet his need, so much as he scared the day-lights out of me. A friend of mine and I were walking to a Bible study in the dark and this guy came running up to us asking for money. I didn't care if he was telling the truth or not, I was thinking of our safety and wanted him away from us asap... so I gave him the few dollars I had on me.

The second person that asked me, asked for me to give her a ride home or money to get a Taxi, or she wanted me to go down the street and buy her a hamburger. Again, I declined. I prayed for days afterwards for God to search my heart and help me to see and understand myself. Wes and I donate money to organizations regularly and have helped individual families as we felt lead, so I know I do enjoy giving and believe in the necessity of it. I'm just feeling extremely guilty and I guess that's why I need to get it out... maybe another kind of confession, I don't know. I don't know what the answer is... should you just give money to any passer-by that claims to have a need or should you use more wisdom???

The other thing that has been on my mind is one of my closest friends back at Hood. Her husband left on Father's Day for his 3rd tour in Iraq- a 15 month rotation. She has five children and they'd just moved into a new house a week before he left. My heart is aching for her. She is a strong woman and she can get through this, but who would want that again? We got through our husbands' last deployment together and that is truely what brought us so close together. A bond that only someone that's been through it can truely understand. Now I feel a huge amount of guilt. I feel like I've gotten out of something... like I should be going through this with her again... By the way, I think it would be understood but in case it's not, any anti-war/American/Bush comments are unproductive and unwelcomed here... however, prayers for my friend and her family are.